My Photo
Location: United States

It's everything I want to tell people when they make small talk and profound talk, but I often can't. Sickness, sex, and the process of dealing with aging parents feel unspeakable and sometimes unreachable, but they sure aren't here.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Things Jen Is Not Allowed To Do (Updated)

Pervert Originally uploaded by -Birdy-.
1. May not begin comments on people's flickr photos with the caveat, "Not to sound pervy, but..." 2. May not use the expression “Holy crap!” as an expression of gratitude when presented with professional kudos from colleagues and superiors. 3. May not indiscriminately talk like the Swedish chef (“Bjork, bjork, bjork, chickeeeeeen!”). 4. May not try to show the research staff at outpatient oncology my newest panties in front of other patients. a. Even if they ask. b. Even if they ask nicely. c. Even if I’m wearing the Barbie panties. 5. May not tweeze eyebrows when angry or under the influence of drugs. 6. May not engage in spontaneous discoing in my computer chair when other people are not sufficiently prepped. 7. May not try to dance in public like Peanuts characters. Especially if I want anyone to speak to me. 8. May not let everyone know how fabulous I smell more than once every hour. Even if do smell fabulous. 9. May not try to speak rationally with an AOL representative. Ever. 10. May not try to pretend that I won’t spill iced tea on myself when hyper (so far today, twice on me, once on the floor, once on my tushie cushion). 11. May not attempt cooking any dish that may be extremely flammable and not advisable for nine year-olds to attempt. May aim low. 12. May not try to change my shirt, brush my teeth, and dial the phone simultaneously in order to “multitask.” 13. May not construct paper clip shrines to the Flying Spaghetti Monster while under deadline. 14. May not believe I have been touched by His Noodly Appendage and must stop trying to "testify" about it. 15. May not try to taunt or manipulate staff with banana muffins (they taunt and manipulate back). 16. May not "perform research" at my desk by stuffing as many malted milkballs as I can into my mouth. 17. Must clean off malted milkball spewtum from my monitor as soon as possible (i.e., pre-crust), not when I feel, you know, "kinda inspired." Photo credit: "Pervert" by -Birdy- on flickr (click to see more of this artist's work). His blog is You Are a Cog. Permission obtained for use.


Blogger metrogeekboy said...

I read this post once before and was on the floor laughing. I think it's not fair you can't show off your coolest panties to the oncology staff. But I'm totally down witht the whole tweezing caveat.

I am, however, perplexed on what "His Noodly Appendage" means.

Are you recycling some posts these days?

1/26/2006 07:29:00 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

I'm glad you enjoyed it, lol!

I am allowed to show off the panties in the smaller private rooms instead of the "open air" treatment space where the infusions happen. The waiting room is also apparently off limits. Who knew? I should include a post on *why* my most recent pair was so fab. The pattern looked like veins. One person there told me - with love - that they were ugly but interesting, and I thought, "So's an onc infusion center."

The Noodley Appendage is the way that the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM) reaches out to touch us and love us. Ramen!

Actually the FSM is the main "god" of a spoof religion designed to challenge the teaching of "intelligent design" in schools. You can read about it here: More specifically, it was the "subject of a satirical website created by Bobby Henderson in 2005 to protest the decision by the Kansas State Board of Education to require the teaching of intelligent design as an alternative to biological evolution."

On recycling: I like to think of it as re-enacting. How's that? Nah, the truth is that I decided on the absolute strongest side of caution regarding copyright issues for a few reasons. While every link behind each photo was intact and proper, the two lines of credit under each photo did not appear in every browser or even consistently with each loading of the page. That's not okay, so I changed each post (I'm still working through them) to include a credit at the bottom with some additional links to the photographer's professional site, blog, etc. I think it's pretty cool to share the stuff that I like, and if it brings business to someone else, even better.

I am also erring on the side of caution by going back to every person, Creative Commons License or not, to obtain permission for use, since sometimes not everyone is clear on what the "Blog This" button may mean to someone, myself included.

It will mean some jumbling of the order of the blog. I might post some text while waiting on a permission for a new pic I want to use, but I figure it's worth it. I realize that this might be tedious for some regular readers here, but in the interest of the utmost fairness to the photographers, I think it's best.

1/27/2006 06:05:00 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

I had forgotten: a shortened version of this post appeared on another blog of mine, and I put it here because, believe me, it will get longer. This post will be reposted each time I update it (translation: when I do more stupid shit and learn my lessons, I'll confess it in public).

1/27/2006 11:11:00 AM  
Blogger Jami said...

I STILL want to know how many malted milk balls you managed to shove in your mouth before sputum overflow.

1/30/2006 08:24:00 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

A pathetic six. I guess this means I am not a big mouth? Nah, it just means I'm not so talented with shoving things in my mouth. I mean, wait...

1/30/2006 10:41:00 AM  
Blogger Jami said...

It could simply mean that you just don't have much chipmunk in you and your cheeks don't expand a lot ... no, no ... the OTHER cheeks, the ones you stuff the malted milk balls into ... no, wait ... that doesn't sound right either!

Ah, hell! I can tell I'm not going to get out of this gracefully. Just forget it!

1/30/2006 10:58:00 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home